Half-Pony Monsters
by kincaidian
Summary: In which there are gossipy crows, abuse of genjutsu, and incest galore: "Nii-san," Sasuke breathed, and Itachi disappeared in a flurry of feathers and ill-disguised homolust. Crack, ItaSasu.


A/N: Below is the crack lovechild of Ouran Host Club and Code Geass' Nunnally in Wonderland. Fans of both franchises know at this point to flee screaming. The rest of you poor souls: Kami-sama be with you, because sanity certainly won't.

* * *

Itachi heard it from his crows, who heard it from his mother's posies, who heard it from the good-for-nothing scoundrel bluebird that came to the Uchiha compound to sing at three am and keep all the flowers awake and seething.

The bluebird had heard this–and this was where it became highly dubious, apparently, because Itachi's crows were quick to inform him that bluebirds were nothing but the dregs of the avian population, them and their ill-timed, borderline-lewd songs- through an open window of the Academy where Iruka and Kakashi had been chatting over ramen and unmarked papers. What Sasuke's sensei got up to in his free time had never been a cause of (much) concern for him, but all of this sounded rather dodgy and unreliable, which made the fact that he had dropped three kunai on his foot when he heard that _Uzumaki Naruto was fucking his brother _all the more insulting.

Still, he determined, over the half-incredulous cackles of his crows as he began the painful process of extracting the sharp pointy objects from his bare foot, it wouldn't do to ignore the rumors entirely. After all, intelligence was intelligence, spiteful bluebirds, gossipy crows, and idealistic posies notwithstanding. No, he would investigate this claim, and mete out justice in a swift and efficient manner.

Itachi had a little smirk to himself and really, it was providence that Naruto couldn't see him now –holding three bloodstained kunai, surrounded by a posse of hysterically giggling crows- because he would have run screaming and not stopped until he reached Sunagakure.

Itachi, for his part, clamped down on the evil-insane vibes, glared at his bird summons, and went off to find his brother.

* * *

Sasuke wasn't in any of his usual training areas, though Itachi did run into one of Naruto's toads at one point. He decided not to waste Tsukuyomi on it, if only because it genuinely seemed as dumb as rocks, and could only identify even Naruto after Itachi had pulled out Sasuke's team picture out of his wallet and shoved it under its face.

Itachi clambered up a pole to brood, and was waylaid by one of Orochimaru's many snakes, once again sent to Konoha in hopes of luring one of the more gullible Uchihas to missing-nindom. Protocol was to annihilate such snakes by any means necessary, but Itachi was busy and on the verge of panicking, so he didn't get to enjoy the simple sadistic pleasure of torturing a mere _animal_ who wanted to take _his brother_ away from him.

Several tourists passing by took note of a fantastically beautiful shinobi perched on a pole, brooding and feeding bits of snake to a band of crows, and wondered whether this was a routine fixture. Some even took pictures.

* * *

Eventually, Sasuke himself appeared on the brick road, only to shove Naruto away unceremoniously and come to stare up at Itachi in naked adoration, leaving his hypothetical fuck buddy lying in the dirt looking confused.

Itachi, marginally appeased, deigned to descend from his impromptu throne. Sasuke kissed his cheek softly and Itachi smirked at Naruto, who was still prone on the ground.

When Sasuke drew back, Itachi threaded a possessive hand in his hair and demanded, "Where have you been?"

Sasuke glanced sideways resentfully. "Naruto," he said, his voice veering towards the whiny but still very, very musical, "said that there was a new ramen flavor and that I should try it."

Itachi's eyes narrowed. "And what did you think?" he didn't shift eye contact with the Yondaime's son, making it abundantly clear that his life hung in the balance. A certain Kyuubi vessel could be heard gulping.

Sasuke shrugged his narrow, perfect shoulders. "It was okay, I guess."

And thus, Uzumaki Naruto lived to be grating and orange another day.

* * *

Subtlety, Itachi had long since decided, was for fools. Untalented shinobi who couldn't get a majestic flock of crows to overwhelm their targets resorted to subtlety, and his ANBU years taught him that brute force was _always _the better option.

Three days later, Uzumaki Naruto could be found bitterly pulling out black feathers from his hair as his pink-haired sidekick tutted and tried not to laugh too much as she treated his peck wounds. All that, and all his crows were able to report was that the only person Sasuke kissed, or indeed touched voluntarily, in a regular basis (and with somewhat disturbing gusto) was Itachi himself.

Itachi, though gratified by this information, was not appeased.

* * *

Sasuke displayed no signs of remorse when he kicked Naruto away and approached his brother when he showed up in the training grounds. "What is it, nii-san?"

His cheeks were dusted with pink from exertion, and his eyelashes, long and thick. Itachi reached out a hand to touch his cheekbone, and Sasuke's eyelids fluttered shut, dancing like butterflies.

"I just wanted to see you, Sasuke," he said, testing the waters, and Sasuke's eyes snapped open and widened beyond their normal radius.

"Nii-san," he whispered.

Birds began singing.

Itachi pressed a kiss to his baby brother's forehead. "Sasuke," he replied.

Then: "Your friend's nose seems to be bleeding."

Sasuke's eyes flicked away in irritation, and he barked, "Sakura! Your taijutsu is abysmal and your genjutsu is non-existent. I'd suggest you practice before I demonstrate how inept you are!"

Itachi gazed upon his brother. "Sasuke," he murmured, delighted.

Sasuke nuzzled his neck, kittenish. "Nii-san."

"When you're done with the incestuous overtones," Kakashi sounded, if anything, mildly fascinated, "maybe you could re-join us, Sasuke."

Itachi pressed their foreheads together. "Whatever happens, I will always love you."

It was the abbreviated version of the full speech, but it would have to do. Itachi knew and resented that Kakashi was capable of picking Sasuke up by the collar and dragging him away.

"I know, nii-san," Sasuke's tears glistened in the sunlight.

"Why does this happen every week?" Naruto wondered. His jacket and amaterasu made acquaintance.

"Goodbye, Sasuke," Itachi said. Sasuke watched the blood trickling from his eye with a hungry expression, and Itachi smirked.

"Nii-san," Sasuke breathed, and Itachi disappeared in a flurry of feathers and ill-disguised homo lust.

* * *

"I don't understand why you're jealous," one of his crows told him, safely out of arm's reach. "I mean, you've already established that your brother's too emotionally stunted and hideously co-dependent for him to be able to love anyone other than you. Ever."

Itachi continued making his way through the forest. It had been a three-day mission, and his fingertips were itching for the warm fluffiness of Sasuke's hair and the silky smoothness of Sasuke's skin. He tossed a meaningful look at his crows.

"On hindsight," said the same voice, now subdued, "continue with the incestuous shenanigans."

"Thank you," Itachi demurred.

* * *

The Yondaime looked like he was on the brink of a spectacular headache when Itachi delivered his report upon his return.

"Itachi-kun," he whimpered. "Itachi-kun, Itachi-kun. You're back!"

Itachi found himself with an armful of blonde Hokage. "Yondaime-sama?"

"Please, please take him away from me," the most powerful shinobi of their village sobbed into his shoulder.

He needed to start leaving self-help books lying around the Hokage's office. "Are you being targeted?"

"Yes!" the Yondaime cried. "By our brats!"

A silence. "You'll need to elaborate, Hokage-sama."

"Sasuke was all sigh-ey and mope-y the first day and a half," the Yondaime nodded to himself. "Which was cute, especially with that pouting thing he does. But after that, he went _batshit_ _insane_." Blue eyes widened significantly. "He started throwing stuff around and said something about going into Itachi- withdrawals. Can you fix him?" He implored.

Itachi blinked, and rubbed his forehead. "Is that all, Yondaime-sama?" he asked.

The Yondaime gave him a final squeeze and let go. "Yes. You do your village proud, Itachi-kun."

* * *

Itachi scanned his backlog of social etiquette and drew up a blank when he saw someone blithely chatting to his crows once in the compound. Then he realized it was Sasuke and his mind went even blanker.

Sasuke went a brilliant shade of red when Itachi cleared his throat. He expected his brother to explain what he was doing, chatting up his summons (who were currently in the middle of some ungodly victory dance, and Sasuke's favorite hawk had joined in, making it a bastardized social gathering of sorts) but he didn't say a word, so they ended up staring at each other. The blush began receding, but Sasuke then licked his lips nervously and Itachi stared.

"A little birdie," Sasuke began, "told me that you're stalking me more than usual."

Itachi stared unrepentantly at the pinkish tint of his brother's neck. "Is this a problem?"

He crossed his arms. Sasuke's eyes dragged hungrily over his biceps before darting away, leaving his cheeks redder than ever.

Itachi smirked, slow and victorious.

"No," Sasuke admitted, chewing on his full lower lip. Itachi idly fantasized about offering to do it for him. "But your crows mentioned Naruto, and that bothers me."

Cue: violin music playing mournfully in the background.

"Nii-san," Sasuke turned big, wet eyes to his, "do you really believe I would leave you for some bright orange fungus? That I would be able to _live_ like that, without you by my side?"

Itachi picked off a speck of non-existent lint from his clothes. "Sasuke," he said, and at his bland tone, the violin music cut off abruptly. "One of these days, you're going to take a wife and –"

"Fuck that." Sasuke scowled. His eyes had gone back to their normal size, and were slightly narrowed, even. "Our gene pool is already fucked all to hell because of all that frenzied and relentless inbreeding. More incest won't exactly be the end of the world."

Itachi's eyes flicked to his. "Sasuke," he said faintly.

Flowers bloomed, only to die as soon as Sasuke said, in a metallic tone, "Nii-san, either you're the biggest fucking tease in the history of ever, or you want to fuck me as much as I want your dick up my ass."

His spate of characteristic Uchiha-grade assholery now over, Sasuke made his eyes go bright and shiny once more. Distantly, a harp began playing, and Itachi's crows began –what the actual fuck- holding hands –wings?- and sighing. "Nii-san," Sasuke whispered, moving closer, "take me."

Itachi was about to succumb and let the rose petals he was sure were scheduled to fall over their entangled bodies any moment now by the divine powers that be do their thing, when he frowned and drew back from his baby brother's lips. "You better be a virgin."

Sasuke didn't even blink. "I am, so you better rock my world."

Satisfied, Itachi went down on his brother. Singing woodland creatures and tastefully-timed flashes of light were involved.

THE END

* * *

A/N: I REGRET NOTHING. The recent anime arc is just gagging for it. Roll on the ItaSasu, though maybe not as demented as this one. Reviews are love.


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